Okay, so I have this love for pen and paper...I love to write and I have so many entries in my journals but have a hard time doing with a keyboard or in my blog what I so easily do with pen and paper!!! But I'm going to give it a try, the way I would with my journal, just spilling my thoughts, and not worrying about how it comes out!
So, I went thru this period in my life of having a hard time distinguishing God's voice and God's prodding from my own ideas and thoughts or the enemies lies and more! It started after years of being unknowingly caught up in someone else's web of lies, deceit and sickness. It was one of those things that makes you question everything...like WHAT, if anything was TRUTH over that time period. I was confused and hurt over how I could have not known, where was God, where was His voice, why could I not hear the warnings if any, why could I not hear the truth over the lies? It was such a confusing time, and it really caused me to pull back from trusting anything...even the voice of God. I doubted every thought I had after that, questioning if I'd ever really heard from Him at all! I was basically frozen with fear in a way, and so I just remained still.
It has been about 3 years...not an easy road, but it definitely forced me to just cling to the only one who could save me, though I may not understand why, though I may not have all the answers still. It's been like going back to the basics with God. Just recalling some of those simple verses I recited as a child but now giving them a whole new meaning.
Even still it's only been in the last few months that I've been able to find His voice again, to have that thought and know that is His idea, that's the Lord's prodding, that's my God reminding me. And though at times I'm still doubtful to move forward and obey what I believe I've heard, I'm taking baby steps and I'm feeling more like my old self.
I'm once again beginning to have faith like a child...a hard thing to do! To just move without questioning, love as if I've not been hurt, have hope for what seems like a hopeless situation. Finding Joy again, wanting to use the gifts He's given me again. The Lord has been so gentle with me and understanding and I've been able to accept His love, forgiveness and grace like I hadn't before and just rest in His presence, knowing that If I do nothing else...He loves me anyway, in-spite of all my flaws and doubt.
But He of course wants more for me and you than just standing still...John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest. What Satan meant to harm me the Lord meant for good...Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. God IS faithful...and the enemies plan failed and I'm back in the game, and I'm ready to once again share with others what I've learned, what I know, this GOD I know, how He's pulled me through, in hopes that MANY will come to know Him as their Lord and Savior as well!
This all reminded me of this song I used to love when I first turned my life around 13 years ago, how funny the words in the song ring true in my life once again. You, GOD, move me!!! And so I'm slowly stepping out there, in faith, once again!
