The term sounds so bad! But it really doesn't take much to get there. I can recall over the last few years, many times, looking back at my life...at some of the decisions I made, good & bad. At some of the directions I chose, based on knowing God told me this was the way. Things that the world would've thought I was crazy to do, things that I only could've endured because I knew that I knew, this was the way to go and confidence in His direction is what kept me there. But, it seems more over the years as I pondered it all...I found myself at times wondering, was I right? Did I hear THAT? Maybe it was all just a coincidence? Maybe I just really went the direction I wanted to go & convinced myself I was hearing from God? Why did I make some of these decisions the world would've deemed as crazy or weak? Maybe I've got serious self-esteem issues & hang-ups? Maybe I got it all wrong?
So we heard a sermon at church yesterday & the pastor was going over Mark 8:17-18. The disciples were worried at how they could feed 4000 people.
17 And Jesus aware of this, said to them, "why do you discuss the fact that you have no bread? Do you not yet see or understand? Do you have a hardened heart? 18 Having eyes, Do you not see? And having ears, Do you not hear?
He goes on from there to remind them of when he fed 5000 with 5 loaves & had food left over! We look at them and think, oh if I had a miracle like that happen in front of me I would've never doubted Jesus again! But really? I think we're actually a lot like them! I'll admit that at least I can be. So, of course it got me to thinking, do I have a hardened heart? Having eyes have I not seen what He's done in my life thus far, having ears do I not remember the words He's spoken to me that in that moment were clear as a bell? It's so sad how we can be so confident & sure that we are hearing from God, then some time goes by, and doubt sets in. That's the enemy trying to harden our hearts!!! There have even been times in my life, I've had that thought of, "maybe, just maybe...I've given my whole life to just a feeling, a hope that there is a God in control of everything, that loves me...could I be mistaken?"
I'm not proud that the thought has crossed my mind...but the good news is, I didn't ever give into that thought. All I had to do was go back over my life & remember all He's done...all He's delivered me from, all those times He lifted me up, all those times He's dusted me off, all those times He provided out of thin air what wasn’t there and seemed impossible the day before, all those little prayers for little things no one else would've deemed important...but they were to me...and He answered them in the only way a loving father would have answered them...thank you GOD!
Such a history I can't deny! Such a mystery I can't shake! Your ever present, ever wisdom, ever loving, ever guiding presence in my life is unmistakable! Shame on me if ever again I dismiss your miracles in my life as coincidence, if ever I put myself down again...me, Your creation...and wonder why am I THIS way. If I ever forget the many times I cried out and you answered, if I ever stop being in AWE of the one who loves me better than, more than anyone else possibly could! My Creator, My Provider, My King, Peace Giver, Dream Maker…The Lifter of my head...my GOD...HOW did I ever doubt you!!!
